Thank You
by Ukskyblue
Summary: The path of Sydney's realisation of love
1. Default Chapter

Title; Thank you  
  
Summary; Syd shows some appreciation to Vaughn.  
  
Raiting; PG  
  
Time period; Before Trust me...  
  
Disclaimer; of course I don't own them... i just dream about them...  
  
I just want to say a big, BIG "THANK YOU" to Nakita for doing a beta for me, and encouraging me... thank you soooo much!!!!!  
  
OK, here is Thank You ........................  
  
Friday night..  
  
Sydney POV.  
  
I'm looking at the picture frame Vaughn gave me last year. It's just so beautiful.  
  
I look at it every day and thank him for everything he has done for me. When he gave me this frame, it was Saturday. I called him on weekend, just because I needed to talk.  
  
Weekend! I wouldn't be happy at all if someone from work called me on weekend! But he was so nice and gave me this.  
  
When he gave it to me, I was so shocked.I cannot remember what I said to him..  
  
He has been there for me all the time. The first time he saved me was when my dad had upset me. I called him on his cell phone and he just came. and listened. That's all I needed.  
  
I had never experienced the comfort he gave me before. It was more than I could describe. He soothed all pain I was feeling.  
  
I notice my phone is ringing.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Joy's Pizza?" I smile...  
  
"Wrong number!"  
  
"Sorry to disturb you"  
  
I get up, grab my key and hop into my car.  
  
..........Warehouse..................  
  
Vaughn POV.  
  
I'm not sure if it was a right thing to call her or not. because she sounded really tired. May be I shouldn't have called her. but I am sure she wants to know the current situation about sd-6.  
  
Maybe I shouldn't have called her.. Oh no. it's too late. She's on her way . in fact.. she is here. That was quick!  
  
"Hey. I am sorry I called you" I say quickly but honestly.  
  
"Don't worry. Is everything ok?" she is worried. maybe I really shouldn't have called her!  
  
"Yeah, everything is ok", trying to reassure her. I feel bad now. "Look, I am very sorry I called. I just wanted to brief you on the current situation."  
  
"Vaughn, I said not to worry, besides I want to know how far we have gotten." She says.  
  
Is she trying to make me feel better or. does she really want to know?  
  
So I explain the current situation. The last time I told her about the progress was when Noah died. But last week. I realized that it is important for her to know about all the progress we have been making. So I tell her as much as possible.  
  
"And finally, the last mission. It was really successful and did a tremendous blow to this part of the alliance. Davlin and Jack are very pleased with it. Thanks to you!"  
  
"Well, you helped me a lot". wow, did she just say that?  
  
"But it was you who did all of the hard part". I tell her with smile.  
  
"Oh, well, thanks then" she says with her big smile. Her smile really make me feel alive again.  
  
"Are you ok?" she asks casually.  
  
"Yeah, why?" I didn't check how I looked when I left my office today!!  
  
"You look tired"  
  
"Do I? Well, I haven't been able to sleep well for a couple of days, and just there are so much paper work to do. But today wasn't too bad as Davlin was happy, thanks to you. I am ok." I answer without detail. In reality, I haven't been able to sleep because she had been on a mission for a couple of days. But I cannot tell her that, can I?  
  
"You have had trouble sleeping? Are you taking any medication?" She asks me with concerned look.  
  
"Yeah, I've tried them but they didn't work. But don't worry, when I can't sleep, I talk to Donovan."  
  
"When you can't sleep, you talk to Donovan?" she asks me, giggling.  
  
"Well, there is nothing I can do to entertain myself so I get really bored. So I talk to him. Well, I actually wake him up. Poor dog." I'm embarrassed.  
  
"You wake Donovan up, just because you can't sleep?? That's horrible!"  
  
"So what do you do when you can't sleep? Is there any better way to spend the lonely night?" I ask her.  
  
"I have a bath, and drink some wine, then I read books".  
  
Suddenly my cell phone rings.  
  
"Vaughn...Oh, hey....OK. I'll be there soon." I put my cell phone into my pocket.  
  
"It's Weiss. He asked me to help him with some work, so I have to go. Again, sorry that I called you. I just." I try to explain. but  
  
"Vaughn, honestly, don't worry about it. I don't mind you calling me at all. I'm glad you called me and gave me updated information. Honestly!"  
  
I feel a little better now.  
  
"Uhm, ok.. so I'll see you next week?" I hope to see you next week!  
  
"Yeah. Have a nice weekend" She says with smile.  
  
"You too." Before I got to the wearhouse, I was feeling extremely tired but somehow now I feel ok.  
  
..............Sydney's place...........  
  
Sydney's POV.  
  
I'm in bed, drinking a coup of tea. I am thinking back what he said.  
  
He said he had been having trouble sleeping for a couple days. When I think about it, every time I see him after my mission, he looks exhausted. Is it because he was worried about me? Like when he didn't come back from Taipei, I couldn't sleep at all.  
  
Tonight he looked really tired. His hair was messy and there were dark bags under his eyes.  
  
I feel bad now. I have now realized how much sacrifice he has made for me.  
  
I don't know how many times he saved me from becoming insane. The most recent occasion was last week. OK. yeah, now I can tell, he has been really worried about me for the whole week.  
  
Last week, I was feeling really down and desperately wanting to talk to someone. So I called him middle of the night..  
  
.............A week before, warehouse...............  
  
Sydney's POV  
  
Vaughn is already waiting for me. He opens the gate for me.  
  
"I am so sorry to call you at this time of the night, but I just needed to talk to someone. I am not sure why but there are so much things." I explain as trying so hard not to cry.  
  
"Syd. just slow down. Here sit down." He pulls a chair for me.  
  
I sit down, trying really hard to not to cry but tell him that.  
  
"I am so sorry, I didn't meant to"  
  
"Syd. Stop. Don't apologize. I'm the one who told you to call me any time if you needed. So don't worry." He says with smile.  
  
And that was it. Tears are falling down from my eyes.  
  
............................................................................ .......................................... 


	2. Chapter 2

..............Sydney's place...........  
  
Sydney's POV.  
  
I'm in bed, drinking a coup of tea. I am thinking back what he said.  
  
He said he was having trouble sleeping for a couple days. When I think about it, every time I see him after my mission, he looked exhausted. Is it because he was worried about me? Like when he didn't come back from Taipei, I couldn't sleep at all.  
  
Tonight he looked really tired. His hair was messy and under his eyes there were dark marks on.  
  
I feel bad now. I have now realized how much sacrifice he has made for me.  
  
I don't know how many times he saved me from becoming insane. The most recent occasion was last week. OK. yeah, now I can tell, he has been really worried about me for the whole week.  
  
Last week, I was feeling really down and desperately wanting to talk to someone. So I called him middle of the night..  
  
Chapter 2 .........A week before, warehouse...............  
  
Sydney's POV  
  
Vaughn is already waiting for me. He opens the gate for me.  
  
"I am so sorry to call you at this time of the night, but I just needed to talk to someone. I am not sure why but there are so many things." I explain, trying so hard not to cry.  
  
"Syd. just slow down. Here sit down." He pulls a chair for me.  
  
I sit down, trying really hard to not to cry but tell him that.  
  
"I am so sorry, I didn't mean to disturb your weekend night." before I can explain.  
  
"Syd. Stop. Don't apologize. I'm the one who told you to call me any time if you needed. So don't worry." He says with smile.  
  
And that was it. As I see his warm and reassuring smile, tears are falling down from my eyes uncontrollably. A wave of sob hits me. I cover my mouth with my hand to control it...  
  
Why does it feel more painful than I have been feeling. then suddenly he grabs my hand. I look at him.  
  
"Syd, it's going to be ok." He says.  
  
I cannot stop my tears falling. I am not sure what I am feeling. How could he say things like that! I am annoyed that he just said that. He doesn't know if it's really going to be ok. But, on the other hand, I somehow feel a tiny bit better. Like it was a sign, my head and thought started to gather together and I started to feel what I am feeling. loss, fear, hopelessness, and pain.  
  
"Vaughn." I whisper.through my tears, "I'm sick and tired of this life. I feel like I'm in a long dark tunnel and I cannot see the end of the tunnel. I just cannot see the end of it. I cannot see the light". another wave of sob crushes into my heart, it's just so painful..  
  
"I'm sick of watching people killed. I'm sick of lying to my friends. Every day, I try to convince myself, it's going to end someday, but I cannot see it, cannot see the end of the tunnel."  
  
"Syd." He says but I carry on talking.  
  
"This afternoon, I was sorting out my old photos, and I saw this photo of me, Will, Danny and Francie, all of us smiling. It felt like someone stabbed my heart. In the photo, I looked so happy and full of life. It was just one photo and I couldn't stand looking at it. I want to go back to the time."  
  
I breathe shakily. another tear falls. how much tears do I need to pour to become happy again?  
  
"Then I put the photo into the box. Later, I was talking to Francie. I was hiding my feelings and pretended to be ok. So I smiled at her, talked with her cheerfully. Then suddenly Francie just said 'Syd, I wish I could be like you. You always seemed to be happy and smiling. And your career is very successful. You seem happy again'. I just couldn't believe Francie said that." I just cannot stop tears falling down.I close my eyes... try to breathe...  
  
"What did you tell her?" He asks gently. But I cannot answer right away. I wipe away my tears.which keep falling down.  
  
"I cannot remember what exactly I said because I was just so mad at her. I know Francie is having a hard time setting up her restaurant. but I couldn't believe she said that. I mean she is my best friend, for goodness sake!! I cannot be mad at her but I am.and I cannot help it. What kind of best friend am I? She is my best friend. and I am mad at her."  
  
"Syd, I understand what you mean. But these things happen. It happened to me and Eric." he says, shrugging his shoulder, "but I'll tell you about it someday. Uhm, sorry I stopped you." and he squeeze my hand and his eyes tell me to carry on.  
  
"Well, I feel like." I'm trying really hard to find right words which can articulate what I am exactly feeling but I am failing miserably.  
  
"It feels like there is no one who can understand me, feel like I am on my own in this big, horrible, cold, dark world.", feeling the pain inside me... I cry.  
  
"I know I shouldn't expect anyone to understand me fully. I mean you cannot understand if you are not in the position to experience it." I breathe to calm down myself. to clear my thought. the pain inside me is too much.  
  
"But Francie used to be able to tell how exactly I was feeling. She knew me inside out. Now she doesn't even know me. I feel like I lost her. She was the only thing kept me together because I didn't have a mum and my dad. you know how he was when I was young. So she was the only one I could rely on. Now I have lost her and she doesn't know me. It's my entire fault. I hate it."  
  
the only thing I am feeling is pain. inside me is empty.but I still feel pain. I wish I didn't feel anything. Why does it hurt so much?  
  
"Syd, it's NOT your fault." He tries to reassure me.  
  
"No, Vaughn, it is. I have been lying to her. I have been pretending to be 'happy-Syd' for her. And then I realised how much I have lost." I close my eyes, trying to stop sobbing, to bare the pain which is burning inside my heart.  
  
"I asked myself, why am I doing this? I thought I'm doing this for Danny, but". why is it so hard to say this?  
  
"But. I am tired. I am really tried of this life." My sob is out of control now. "A couple of years ago, I was full of dreams. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a wife and a mum. I wanted to have a family but now I don't. Because I don't think I can possibly give them a happy life, not even a normal life." I whisper "I hate this life".  
  
I look at Vaughn's hand which is still holding mine. His hand is very warm. I'm feeling the pain.and his warmth.I can feel his warmth. But even his warmth..it feels like.a needle in my heart.  
  
"I just want to be happy again. I want to feel the happiness from the bottom of my heart again. I don't want anything else. I want to be who I was, but I cannot even remember who I was now".  
  
I am exhausted, physically and emotionally.  
  
"I don't know how long I have to live like this. That really scares me. I want to banish. from this world." I close my eye, bit my lower lip. feeling the tears rolling down my cheek.  
  
"I am . tired, Vaughn," Another tears roll down on my cheek.  
  
I cannot say anything anymore. there are no words I can use to describe the pain I am felling. I hear... silence...  
  
I finally started to control my sob. started to notice the real warmth he gives me through my hand. I look up and meet eyes, full of concern.  
  
I suddenly realise what I have done to him. I called him middle of the night and what do I do? Just cry.  
  
"I'm so sorry, I don't know why I'm doing this to you." I say, as pulling my hand but he holds it in his hand.  
  
"Syd, don't apologize. It's ok. I told you I don't mind you calling me". I can barely hear his voice... but his words are so kind.  
  
"Syd, you don't have to be the strong one all the time. When you are with me, be yourself. Don't pretend. You can cry, laugh, shout, be angry or mad whatever. Show me, and tell me what exactly you are feeling. You don't have to hide yourself" he says, looking at my eyes.  
  
I feel the pain has started to ease. I feel like. I can breathe again.  
  
"You said you lost yourself. But Syd, I don't think you have lost yourself completely. You are crying, worrying, and caring about Francie. There is still real Syd inside you. You haven't lost completely."  
  
"And don't feel bad, because to be honest, I am ....relieved that you called me tonight." He says shyly.  
  
I look up to him. quizzically. He shrugs his shoulder  
  
"I have noticed that you have been working extremely hard without break for a couple months. I could tell you were getting tried, physically and emotionally. I was really worried that you might snap someday because it's just impossible for anyone to work like that. Especially a job like yours. But I couldn't tell you to stop. May be I should have. I'm sorry I should have said something when I noticed you were feeling really down".  
  
I look at him, amazed. By now I stopped crying. "Vaughn, don't say sorry, you didn't do anything wrong." How could he even think like that?  
  
"Syd, I believe that you are going to be happy again. I cannot say exactly when but I do believe you will be happy again." He says.  
  
I'm suddenly annoyed.  
  
"How could you say thing like that? You don't know that. Don't say it just because it makes me feel better. I know better than that!" I say too harshly.  
  
"Because I have checked the current status of SD-6 and alliances and they are definitely getting smaller and weaker. Within the last couple months, what you have done was just amazing. Once they are gone, you don't have to lie. You don't have to hide. You don't have to pretend. You can be yourself again." He says with a warm smile.  
  
"I know I cannot bring your life back, but I promise you, it will be much better than this."  
  
I am speechless. I just look at his eyes. He promised that my life will be better. Now I can see a tiny light in the dark tunnel. I could feel my eyes are getting watery again. He gets up and gives me a hug. I take a deep breath and say "thank you" to him in my heart. He's just given me a hope which I had lost.  
  
He releases me and look at my eyes. "It's going to be ok" he says softly. "And thank you for being my agent, Syd".  
  
I'm speechless again. I am the one who is studying post graduate English literature and I cannot form a sentence. So he continues.  
  
"I am so grateful that I have this chance to work with you and get to know you. You are an amazing person. I feel so lucky to be able to work with you. Never underestimate who you are because you are much more than you think". And he smiles.  
  
"Vaughn." I am still speechless. I cannot form a sentence. What's wrong with me!!  
  
I sigh, look at him and smile at him. Yes, I can smile. I haven't smiled for these months. But I can still smile. It feels good to smile.  
  
He smiles me back.  
  
"I should go.it's quite . late." I say finally.  
  
He laughs "Yeah. Be careful on the mission. I see you when you get back, right?"  
  
"Yeah, I'll call you when I get back." I smile at him again and leave the warehouse.  
  
I look up the night sky. It's really beautiful, I didn't notice that. I feel completely refreshed. I think I can sleep well tonight. I smile at myself. It certainly feels good to smile.  
  
..........Back to now.......................  
  
I remember, I felt so down at the time but when I left the warehouse, I felt.like I was a different person. Then the mission was very successful. I wouldn't say it was easy but if I hadn't seen Vaughn, I wouldn't be here now.  
  
In the warehouse, he just listened. Listening.that's all he did and he smiled.  
  
After all, I didn't say thank you to him. Great, I didn't even say "thank you" to the person how has been helping me and saving a million times.  
  
Did I say "thank you" to him when he gave me this picture frame? I look at the picture frame. No. I didn't.  
  
I got to say thank you to him next time I see him.  
  
I switch off the bedside lump and snuggle into my bed cover. I look at the beautiful picture frame which shines in the moon light, closing my eyes and say "Thank you Vaughn".  
  
------------------------------------ 


	3. Chapter 3

.....A couple of days later at the Warehouse.....................  
  
(Chapter 3)  
  
I pull my car and grab my bag. I have to go to London tomorrow night. It should be a simple mission, so there is nothing to be nervous about, but I am very nervous now. I am not nervous about this mission. I am nervous about. tonight, meeting with Vaughn.  
  
I decided that I am going to say "thank you" to Vaughn. That's all and I am nervous about it. It's ridiculous!! What's wrong with me? I take a deep breath and get out of my car. I walk towards the door and open it. My hands are shaking.  
  
May be I should say it when I come back from London. No, Syd! I tell myself. I promised myself to do this tonight.  
  
Vaughn is waiting for me as usual. He is always waiting for me. I smile at him and say "Hey".  
  
"Hey" He smiles at me.  
  
I put my bag down and ask him, "How was your day?" calm down, don't show him that I'm nervous!!! But it's so hard!  
  
He looked at me, a bit surprised. I usually don't ask him that question! What am I doing?! But he smiles again.  
  
"Well, it was busy as usual but boring. I have finished some paper works and was late for the meeting but that's all. How was yours?"  
  
"Same. Slone is still very creepy as usual but thankfully he didn't touch me. I did some paper work and left the office for some shopping. That's all. You got the information that I'm going to London tomorrow night?"  
  
"Yeah. So here is what we are going to do. When you get the disk, go back to your hotel room and ask for the room service. The person will be a CIA agent and give him the disk so that we can make a copy. Then you call for the room service again, we will give the disk back to you."  
  
"Ok, it seems fairly simple. So who is this agent?"  
  
"Uhm, well, it will be me but I am not sure yet. I have never worked as a room service so, maybe Devlin will turn me down but if I practice enough tonight, I will be fine. Practice makes everything perfect. in theory anyway". He says, laughing.  
  
OK, this mission is going to be quite good one. "Yeah, you should practice because Dixon might call you for the room service. You don't want to blow your cover, do you?" I smile at him.  
  
We become quiet. I take a deep breathe, and get ready.and..  
  
"Vaughn"  
  
"Syd"  
  
We both chuckle.  
  
"You first" I say quickly. no, I didn't say that!  
  
"No. well ok. I just wanted to know if you are ok. That's all." He is just too kind to me. I feel guilty for what happened last week.  
  
"I'm fine." I give him a smile.  
  
"OK..What were you going to say?" He asks with that smile. I take another deep breath.I think to myself, how many deep breathe do I need to take to say a simple phrase?  
  
"Oh, I was just going to say.I just wanted to say." come on Syd, I tell myself. I am frustrated with myself. So I take another deep breath, again.  
  
"I wanted to say that I really want to thank you for everything you have done for me so far". Here, I said it. I look at him. He is. frozen. Please say something Vaughn!  
  
"Oh. what.?" now Vaughn becomes speechless. I smile at myself. and say  
  
"I just wanted to say thank you to you." Ok, second time is much easier.  
  
"I have wanted to say this for a while but somehow I didn't. I should have said long time ago and each time you saved me and helped me. Vaughn, thank you". Vaughn is looking at me, like I swallowed an apple, but gradually he smiles at me.  
  
"Syd, you don't have to thank me." Here come again. nice-Vaughn is back, but I won't give him a chance to become Too-Nice-Vaughn.  
  
"No, Vaughn. Please, just let me finish.", and so he closes his mouth ..Good.  
  
"I really mean it. I have called you again and again in middle of the night, just because I needed someone to talk to. I am sure that your job description and contract don't include "answer to all calls your agent makes" or "do whatever to keep your agent sane". And I realised that I have never thanked you for all extra things you have to do to keep me from becoming crazy. So, please let me say this, because this is not easy for me. I really do appreciate what you have done for me. I really thank you for saving me."  
  
Now Vaughn is smiling, still keeping his mouth shut. and I grab my bag and pull a carefully rapped box. I smile at him, and he is. well, he is in shock. He is dumbfounded.  
  
"I hope you like things in this box, and if you don't, please don't hate me. I don't know what you like or you don't like." I tell him and hand him the box.  
  
He seems completely shocked and speechless. This is so much fun. I have never seen him like this. Why was I that nervous? Now he takes the box with his both hands. his hands are shaking!  
  
"Syd." was the only word he could manage. He holds the gift box with his both hands and looking at it.  
  
"Syd. Uhm. thank you. You really didn't have to do this. I mean." He is still speechless. So I rescue him.  
  
"Vaughn, I cannot thank you enough for things you have done for me. So this is just a way to say thank you." I say, looking at his eyes. I hope he can see how much I appreciate his help and support through my eyes.  
  
I smile again. "Well, I should get home. Francie and Will are waiting for me."  
  
"Wait! Can I open this now?" he suddenly asks with big goofy smile. Oh, no.  
  
"Oh, no, please no.. I will be really embarrassed. Wait until you get home."  
  
"But Syd.."  
  
"Please. don't open it yet. I see you tomorrow in London?"  
  
I feel much better now. I said it. It feels really good.I'm satisfied even though I should have said earlier. better than never. and I have never seen him like this. he is truly excited... his eyes are. alive, not worried, not tired. but alive.  
  
"OK. Syd, thank you. You really didn't have to do this, you know." He says with a big smile.  
  
"Well, I wanted to. Just don't tell my dad or Barnett. I have enough trouble coping with Slone; I don't want to be forced to see another psycho. I don't want to make my life worse than it already is."  
  
We both smile and giggle. Now I wonder what Barnett is going to do if she finds out.  
  
"Anyway, I really have to go. See you tomorrow. Have a nice flight". I say quickly.  
  
"You too. And, really, thank you." Looking at his happy face, I believe it was definitely worth doing this.  
  
I leave the warehouse. I have never felt this good for a long time. Why didn't I do this sooner? I take a deep breath; I get into my car and drive off. I smile at myself. I wonder if he is opening the box now. or can he wait? I drive off to home where my best friends are waiting for me.  
  
...................................................................... 


	4. Chapter 4

(Chapter 4)............. Warehouse..................  
  
Vaughn's POV.  
  
I hear Sydney's car driven off.  
  
I'm standing in this dark warehouse on my own, with a box. She gave me a present. She said "thank you" to me. Am I dreaming? Because this is the strangest feeling I have ever experienced in my life. I'm so happy but. is this real?  
  
It was Sydney who gave me this but I have never seen her like that before. She was. sort of... shy? I have never seen that side of Sydney but again, there are still so many things I don't know about her. I've got to learn about her. I need to get to know her. and I know that's not going to be easy, considering our situation and her situation.  
  
But she thanked me. and gave me this present.  
  
To be honest, I have never thought I was helping her or supporting her. I just did everything because I wanted to ease her misery. She did not choose this life. She deserves a better life but what can we do?  
  
I said 'everything' but the only thing I have done is 'listen' but I didn't even know if that was what she wanted. But I guess she needed that because. she said thank you and she gave me this.  
  
I look at this present. ok... that's it I'm grinning like a fool.  
  
She told me not to open the box until I get home, but how could I wait opening a present?!  
  
The box is carefully wrapped. I think she wrapped this box. Every corner is carefully folded. I'm just so excited but I don't want to tear up this wrapping paper. I am un-wrapping this very carefully like I'm opening her heart. My hands are slightly shaking...  
  
It's smaller than a shoe box but it's not that small either. It's not that heavy. I feel like opening a Christmas present.  
  
I carefully un-wrap the paper and I see a box. I mean.it's a proper box. I can use it for storing CDs.  
  
I slowly open the box.  
  
I cannot help but put a huge grin on my face. I'm glad no one is here tonight.  
  
In the box, there are three white envelops, two of them are very thin and other is quite thick, two smaller boxes but different size, and a yellow paper bag.  
  
This is amazing. This is just so exciting! I cannot believe she did this for me.  
  
I take the yellow bag and open it. I cannot help laughing when I see what's in it. In the bag there are a dog collar and a toy for Donovan. This toy is so cute, and when you squeeze it, it makes noise. Donovan will love them.but this is too cute for him. may be I should keep it..  
  
I open one of the boxes which are smaller but thicker than other. It is also wrapped up carefully. I open the box slowly. The box looks really posh. I open the box and see a really posh silver pen. A pen like you never buy yourself. I love it. It feels good to hold this pen. I carefully look at it and find "M.V" is engraved. Oh my goodness. I'm in shock. but then I grin like a fool.. I cannot help it!  
  
I then choose another box. I can guess what it is. I un-wrap the paper carefully and open it. I see a tie, and on the back of the tie, the label says "Dunhill". It's a very dark navy blue and very thin red line check on it. I just cannot believe this. I love this tie. How did she know what I like?  
  
Of course, she is a spy but even so, I have never thought she would notice things I wear. OK, may be next I see her; I have to choose carefully what I wear!  
  
Now I pick up two white envelopes. I open one of them and see two tickets in it. These are tickets for King's game next month. I'm so excited! When I look at the tickets closely, the seats are next to each other. So, that means I cannot take her. I'm not disappointed. I am not! She is my agent and colleague, that's all!  
  
Well, I'm a little but. Yes, I'm disappointed. But with whom am I supposed to go?  
  
There is. a book voucher in another envelop. A book voucher???  
  
I finally open the thick envelop. I knew it was a letter. I sit down on a chair and try to read it under the dim light.  
  
************************ 


	5. Chapter 5

here is chapter 5.  
  
*************************Letter from Sydney********************  
  
Vaughn  
  
I don't know what to write. I cannot find right words to start. I cannot articulate what's in my mind. Because it is more than words can describe.  
  
I wish I could show you my heart so that I don't have to put it in words. The only thing comes up to my mind is "Thank you". So I am going to be completely honest with you in this letter. I am not sure if I can but I try.  
  
I have never wished my life to be like this. Never.  
  
I often think. why me. Why me? I have asked this question countless time since I was little.  
  
I lost myself when my mum "died". Since then, my whole world changed. I learned that life is harsh, cold and tough when she left.  
  
But I somehow I gradually managed to build my world again. Thanks to Francie, Danny and Will. It wasn't complete but still it was my world. A world, full of dream, hope, happiness and love.  
  
Then when I thought I was happy again, Danny was murdered. And I found out about SD-6 and the truth about my dad. My world was destroyed again. I asked myself, again, Why me?  
  
Being a double agent didn't help me. I kept losing myself. In the end, I completely lost myself. I didn't know who I was. I lost my best friend as well. I lost my world and lost the only person whom I trusted most. There was nothing left inside me except feeling of loneliness, hatred and anger.  
  
The scariest thing was, I got used to it. I am a person, consisted of loneliness, hatred and anger.  
  
Every night, when I went to bed, I wished that tomorrow would never come. I cried every night in my bed because I knew there was going to be another day, another day, full of pain and loneliness. I don't know how many times I wished I had been able to banish completely.  
  
At the beginning, I wouldn't dare let people touch my world which had already been destroyed twice. There was nothing left except feeling of loss, betrayal, hatred and pain.  
  
So, I am sorry for being horrible to you. I know I wasn't the easiest agent to handle. I'm sorry that I didn't do things you told me to do. I'm sorry that I didn't trust you. I just couldn't let myself trust someone. I was so scared that you would destroy me completely again. That's what I told myself anyway.  
  
While you were constantly trying to make my life better, I turned my back on you, and ignored you. I probably hurt you so many times. I am so sorry. I hope you forgive me.  
  
I am just so grateful that you didn't give up on me.  
  
I now realised that how much you helped me, and how much you sacrificed for me. You threatened your career and life to help me even though I didn't deserve it. I wonder why you have kept me as your agent.  
  
You believed in me when I didn't believe in myself. You saved me again and again. You helped me to find myself which I couldn't do it without you.  
  
You showed me the beauty of human being when I was trapped in darkness of human being. You gave me hope; hope that some day I will be happy.  
  
I hate my life so much. But thanks to you, I now realised that there is one good thing in my life.  
  
The one good thing in my life is that I have you.  
  
I have NEVER thought about myself as a lucky person in my life but..now I think I am .I am a lucky person .because. you are my handler.  
  
I have one good thing in my life and I promise that I will never let it go. Even though it is only one thing. I am thankful for that and I treasure it.  
  
Vaughn, I really want to show you my heart so that you can see how much I'm grateful to you. I want to say more than "THANK YOU". "Thank you" is not good enough to show how much I appreciate you but I cannot find better words. so  
  
THANK YOU. .. From the bottom of my heart.  
  
From now on, I am going to try to trust you. I'm going to let myself trust you.  
  
I am scared that my trust may be betrayed again. I am sorry for being like this, but at least I am giving myself a chance to trust you again. Well, actually YOU gave me the chance. Again, I thank you for that.  
  
I hope you like the presents. I wanted to give you the presents, only to say "Thank you".  
  
I hope you like the tie. You don't have to wear the tie if you don't like it.  
  
I hope you like the pen. I haven't said congratulation for your promotion! This pen is the present for your promotion!! CONGRATULATION!!  
  
I hope Donovan likes the presents, my thanks to him! Give him my KISS!!!  
  
Please buy a book or two so that you don't have to wake Donovan up! Poor dog. let him sleep!! I've already felt bad enough that I caused you many sleepless night, I feel worse because now I know Donovan also has sleepless nights!!!! He deserves presents!!  
  
The hockey tickets. I want you to go to the game with Weiss. I have heard what happened to you and Weiss but I don't know the details. The only thing I know is that, it happened because of me. I know it was your decision to come to Taipei for me but if you hadn't been my handler, the relationship between you and Weiss would have been the same. I cannot live with that thought. I give you this ticket in hopes of better friendship between you and Weiss.  
  
I cannot thank you enough for everything you have done for me. Thank you.  
  
This letter is to the only one I started to trust.  
  
Thank you.  
  
Sydney.  
  
P.S I love the picture frame you gave me!  
  
*********************************************************************  
  
I have read this letter for fourth time and I want to read it again. I'm still utterly stunned.  
  
I have never felt like this in my entire life.  
  
I cannot possibly describe how I am feeling right now. I feel... honoured to have known this truly amazing person. I feel so privileged to work with her. Relief, as I was never sure if what I had been doing was right thing. I constantly worried that may be I did something wrong. Respect, I have so much respect for her courage.  
  
Feeling of being accepted by her is just indescribable. It is scary because I don't know if I can be good enough for her but it certainly feels good.  
  
I have never thought a simple phrase, "thank you", could do this to me.  
  
I'm not sure if I deserve this. I have certainly tried to be patient and be a good listener. I learned this when my dad died. My mum used to cry a lot, she couldn't describe what she was feeling but I learned to wait and let her cry, let her be herself. Then eventually, she told me that she wanted her life back.  
  
At the time, I didn't think about life. I just tried to survive each day and I somehow did. But sometimes, I just cried in my closet because something reminded me of my dad. Then my mum looked for me and she did the same things to me, waiting, listening, and giving me a small smile. It was never easy for both of us but we survived.  
  
I have never thought that experiences like that can help me now. so many years later. I mean, even though I was eight at the time, I guess. I learned so much. If I didn't have that experience, I certainly wouldn't be here. reading this incredible letter. Life is strange, twisted and complicated.  
  
I try my best to let her be herself again. At the moment she is like. trapped in a little box. The only thing I can do is to open the top rid and let her breathe. It's her decision to come out of the box or not. I cannot pull her out. if.and when she is ready, I believe she will come out. For now, I just let her breathe.  
  
I'm terrified about her starting to trust me. It's a great honour. and I do feel so privileged. but at the same time, I am terrified. Am I good enough? Can I cope with everything going to happen to her and me. Even though she started to trust me, it doesn't mean our job is going to be easy. I believe we will argue and shout at each other. but can I keep her trust?  
  
I think this is the most difficult assignments in my whole life. not letting her down.answering to her trust and belief in me. But. at the same time, I know that in the future. like 20 years later. looking back to where I'm now. I'll be thinking "what a great time that was!" It will be the most beautiful and wonderful accomplishment if I can do this. and when I retire CIA, I will say "thank you" to her from bottom of my heart.  
  
Because of her, my life will be unique and special.  
  
I take a deep breath. I look at my watch and am surprised. It's 2 in the morning; that means I have here more than 5 hours!!  
  
This is what happens when I think about Sydney! I'd better go home and get some sleep. or many be I should practice for the room service undercover. Or before that, I'm going to put this collar on Donovan . Did she say give him her kiss?? No!!! I'm not going to kiss Donovan!! Ewww.  
  
I put everything in the box carefully and grab my briefcase. What a day.  
  
I leave the warehouse and look up the beautiful night sky. How did my life become like this?  
  
I suddenly remember what my dad said when I was little. just before he's gone.  
  
I smile to the stars. and close my eyes.trying to remember his warm but firm voice, he said.  
  
"It's going to be OK."  
  
Thank you, Dad. You taught me so much but I still need you.  
  
Thank you Dad.  
  
Love - Devotion  
  
Feeling - Emotion  
  
Don't be afraid to be weak  
  
Don't be too proud to be strong  
  
Just look into your heart, my friend  
  
That will be the return to yourself  
  
The return to innocence  
  
If you want, then start to laugh  
  
If you must, then start to cry  
  
Be yourself, don't hide  
  
Just believe in destiny  
  
Don't care what people say  
  
Just follow your own way  
  
Don't give up, and use the chance  
  
To return to innocence  
  
That's not the beginning of the end  
  
That's the return to yourself  
  
The return to innocence  
  
(Return to Innocence - Enigma)  
  
............................................................................ ................................ 


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6 ........................................................................  
  
London.  
  
Sydney's POV.  
  
I get into my hotel room. It's a quite nice room. SD-6 paid quite a lot for this room.  
  
I put my bags on the bed and open it. I'm soaking wet as during the mission, it rained heavily.  
  
I grab my casual clothes and go to the bath room. I really want to have a nice hot bath but I'm sure Vaughn wants to finish his work as soon as possible. So I quickly take a hot shower.  
  
I feel totally exhausted. I think back about the mission. It wasn't as easy as I expected. If Dixon didn't come the time he just did, I would have been caught by the guards. I only have a gash on my arm but that's all. I don't have a bandage. so I roll the sleeve to let it dry.  
  
Somehow, I'm still cold, so I put knitted jumper carefully, not to touch the gash.  
  
I have to make a phone call for the room service. I sit on the bed, pick up the phone and press 4.  
  
"This is room service. How can I help you?" a female staff answers. I was a little bit disappointed as it wasn't Vaughn who picked up the phone, although I knew it wouldn't him. but I was... sort of hoping.  
  
"I just wanted to have something to eat." I haven't eaten much since this morning but I'm not hungry at all.  
  
"What would you like to order Ms?"  
  
"I'll have 'today's chef's soup'." I don't want to eat. I just want to go to bed! But CIA needs to copy this disk. So I make myself to do this.  
  
"Very well, anything else?" She asks.  
  
"No, thank you" I say tiredly.  
  
"Your room number is 407?" She confirms.  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"It will be about 10 minutes." And she hangs up.  
  
I sigh. My head is pounding and I just want to go to bed and sleep forever.  
  
I look at the window and see the view of London. I can see the London Eye. I wonder how many people are having a great time, riding on it.  
  
Looking at the lights of it, I wonder what it would be like to have a normal life. What it would be like to have both parents and being loved by them. I wish. but when I come to think about it, I had a normal life once. until I was six.  
  
Was it a normal life for me? Did my mother love me? I guess, my dad loved me. I remember vaguely my dad hugged me when he got home after his business trips. Yeah, 'business trip', it was a mission of CIA.  
  
It's very strange, I don't really remember him hugging me that often, but I still remember the feeling of his hug and smell of 'my dad'. But was it only a dream?  
  
I used to think I wanted my life back but what was my life? My whole life is full of deception, betrayal, and lies. I don't even know what was real and what was lie. So. do I really want the life back?  
  
Suddenly I hear the knock on the door. I thought she said 10 minutes..it's been only 5 minutes.  
  
"Room service!" Man's voice.I get up. feel a bit right headed. but I open the door.  
  
I couldn't help but smile.  
  
............................................................................ ...........................  
  
Vaughn's POV.  
  
I stop the serving trolley by the door. I straighten the uniform and the tie.  
  
I hope she is ok. She sounded really tired on the phone. She doesn't know this but I was listening to the conversation at the other end of line. I'm bit worried. She doesn't normally sound like that tired. I wonder what have happened.  
  
I take a deep breathe and knock the door. This is very nerve-wreaking. I'm usually fine with filed missions but I'm very nervous now. I don't know why.  
  
She opens the door. I smile at her saying,  
  
"Room service?" I say but She doesn't look well.  
  
I push the trolley carefully while she is closing the door.  
  
"Hey" I say to her, turning around to see her. Is that a gash on her arm?  
  
"Hey" she says quietly, smiling. But there is something wrong. but I cannot put my fingers on.  
  
Now she is getting the disk which was kept in a bag.  
  
"Syd? Are you alright? What happened to your arm? You really need to put a bandage on." And the minute I said it, I realised how stupid I am. there is no first aid box here! I mentally hit myself.  
  
"Yeah, but I have only small plasters so I thought I let it dry." she says...crouching down, to find the disk in the bag.  
  
"Syd, you really need to put a bandage. When I come back, I bring a first aid box, ok?" I say to her while I am putting a soup bowl on a table and putting some soup in it. I put a piece of bread.  
  
"By the way, Syd, are you ok? You sounded very tired". I turn around and see Syd, standing up with the disk.  
  
But that minute she got up, she started to fall backwards. My entire blood went to my head.as I rush and just grab her arm which had the gush.  
  
She winced. while collapsing on the floor. while I hold on her arm .  
  
I just don't know what have happened right now. It happened so quickly but it felt very slow. She is sitting on the floor... conscious but,  
  
"Syd, what's wrong? Are you ok?" How thick am I? She is not ok, that's why she has collapsed!!  
  
I release her arm as it was really hurting her. I kneel down beside of her. I take her hand and finally realised. Her hand is too warm.  
  
I immediately put my hand on her forehead, as she closes her eyes. She has a fever.  
  
"Syd, I think you have a fever." Is that the only thing I cay say to her?! But my thoughts are so screwed, I'm panicking. what do I do, what do I do?  
  
"Come on, Syd. You need to get into the bed." I tried to help her stand up but she pulls back her hand, refusing to accept my help.  
  
"Vaughn, I'm fine. I just felt a bit dizzy and I have a bad headache that's all." She says still sitting on the floor. Her voice is not really convincing... should I try again?  
  
"Syd, please let me help you." I say sincerely.  
  
I don't know why but she looks like. about to cry.  
  
Now she is trying to stand up by herself. but again, her legs are wobbly so I help her. This time she let me in her world.  
  
This room is not that big so she takes only a couple of steps to sit down on the bed.  
  
Why does she look so sad.  
  
"Syd, I know you want to get some sleep but you really need to eat something."  
  
She is now sitting on the bed, laying her back on the pillows on the bed, while I bring the bowl of soup and put it on the bedside table.  
  
I really want to stay with her but... it's not really safe to stay here.  
  
"Syd, I hate to do this but I have to go. I'm so sorry." I really do hate doing this. I wish I could stay here for her.  
  
"Vaughn, I am fine. I'm not a child; I can take care of myself. So don't worry." She says with a small smile, trying to reassure me but it's not working. It's not normal-Syd. I don't know what it is.but... I cannot do anything at the moment.  
  
"I know you can take care of yourself, I'm just worried. When you finish eating, just call for the room service again, ok?" I put my secret weapon, a small pack of M & Ms, on the bedside table. I always use it to cheer her up.  
  
"Vaughn, thanks." I'm rewarded with a small genuine smile. not fake smile.it's small but. still there.  
  
"You are very welcome." I say with a smile. I grab the disk and push the trolley.  
  
"Just call on my cell phone when you need me, ok? Don't worry about being found out by SD-6, or anything... I will do something about security camera." I try to reassure her that she can call me any time she wants.  
  
"Thanks, I keep that in my mind."  
  
I'm really worried about her now. she is not normally like this. I leave the room and push the trolley, heading to the elevator. almost running.  
  
I don't think there is any flu medicine in the first aid box. What's the best things to get rid of a flu? And why did she look like. about to cry? Did I say something to upset her?  
  
I get into the elevator and press G. What did my mum do when I was ill? I just cannot remember. I wasn't the kind of child who was often ill.  
  
Should I call Jack? My mind is running like 100 miles a minute. this is the state of pure panic!!!  
  
The elevator stops and opens the door. I get out and head for the kitchen.  
  
There is a group of CIA agent waiting so I give them the disk, and I leave the trolley.  
  
"I'm going out for a minute. I will be back very soon. Make two copies of this disk quickly! Remember when she calls, we have to give it back to her! Call me when she calls for the room service."  
  
I tell them and walk quickly to the back door and leave the hotel.  
  
............................................................................ ........................ 


	7. Chapter 7

here is chapter 7  
  
............................................................................ ............................  
  
Sydney's POV  
  
Vaughn is gone now. I stare at the door.  
  
I cannot believe Vaughn did that. he touched my forehead.  
  
The touch. his hand was very big and warm. his hand was just like  
  
. my dad's hand.  
  
I cannot believe this is happening to me right now.his touch brought me my childhood memory. Memory which I didn't even know I had.  
  
Vaughn's touch was so much like my dad. The warmth and the feeling of it. it was just like my dad.  
  
I try not to cry. because my head is hurting so much now. but the feeling of Vaughn's touch and memory of my dad won't go away.  
  
I was probably 8 years old. I got a very bad flu. I couldn't eat anything for the whole day. My nanny tried every thing but I didn't want to eat, I didn't want to even look at it.  
  
I just stayed in my bed that night, trying to sleep. Then suddenly I heard my dad coming home. Two days before, he had left for a "business trip". But he was at home the night.  
  
He came in to my room and look at me. Then he slowly touched my forehead, checking my temperature. His hand was so big and warm.  
  
I close my eyes.and I can still feel it.  
  
He held his hand there for a while and said,  
  
"You have a bad fever".  
  
I remember I was so surprised by what he did.  
  
It was certainly good to be touched by my dad again.but. it was very painful touch as well.  
  
After my mother 'died', he became very distance to me. He didn't talk to me, and he didn't hug me anymore.  
  
I didn't understand him. I couldn't understand why he became like that. I needed him so much but he wasn't my real dad. I missed my mum but also my real dad too.  
  
But that night, he looked almost concerned.worried about me. I remember. I felt. I saw a fragment of my real dad again in his eyes. the dad who had showed and taught me what love was.  
  
That minute he put his hand on my forehead, my entire emotion... as much as 8 years old could feel, hit me.  
  
I cried.  
  
It was too much for me.  
  
This man was with me in the house as my dad but I realised that he had become a stranger to me.  
  
But somehow that night, my real dad came back and he was with me. How was I supposed to understand this?  
  
I wanted my real dad back so much and there he was, but I knew he would be gone very soon.  
  
I was relieved that my real dad still existed in this man but very scared at the same time. So scared that I wished my real dad hadn't come back to me.  
  
I cried because my whole world did not make sense to me anymore. This little girl's world was filled with uncertainty. It was...petrifying....  
  
I remember that night; he hugged me when I stared crying.  
  
He hugged me.  
  
He hadn't done that since my mother "died". Why did he hug me that night? Who was he? Was it only a dream?  
  
I realise I have been crying.  
  
I cannot believe one touch by Vaughn brought me this memory. his touch was just so much like my dad.  
  
His touch was so soft and warm but at the same time, it felt painful and terrifying. His gentleness and warmth are too much for me. the feeling of being cared is.somehow, too nice and too good to me. makes me feel. uncomfortable.  
  
Why can't I feel his gentleness as it is. why do I have to feel it as a pain? Why does my heart take his warmth as if it was coldness?  
  
Is my heart damaged that much? Can I ever feel his warmth as it is again? Because, I really want to. feel it.  
  
He touched me with his warm heart but my heart was too cold for his warmth. it got burnt.  
  
I just want to sleep. I look at the soup but I don't want to eat it.  
  
Then, I look at the M&Ms Vaughn left for me. A tiny smile creeps on my lips. I grab it and open the packet. I put one M&Ms in my mouth, tasting Vaughn's sweetness. but tears fall down on my cheek.  
  
I put the packet back on the table. I look through the window and see the pretty lights of London's eye. I hope there are many children who have a better life than me.  
  
............................................................................ .............. 


	8. Chapter 8

A/N Thanks so much for your reviews!!! I really appreciate it!! I must let you know that. my English is not first language and although I have been living in the UK for quite long time, still, English is very difficult for me. So forgive me if you find grammatical errors or other mistakes.  
  
Chapter 8-a ............................................................................ ................  
  
Vaughn's POV  
  
I leave the hotel. I have no idea which way to go. I need to go to the main street to find a chemist.  
  
While I walk the narrow street, between buildings, I pick up my cell phone and dial a familiar number.  
  
"Hello?" warm female voice with French accent answers.  
  
"Hi Mum" It's nice to hear her voice, warm and comforting.  
  
"Michael? How are you, dear? I thought you were on.a business trip." I can tell she is worried...  
  
"Yeah, I'm. Don't worry. But I just wanted to know something. It's nothing serious." NO, it IS very serious.  
  
"Oh, well, that's fine. So what did you want to know?"  
  
"Well, I just wanted to know what you made when I was ill or Lorna was ill.when we were young."  
  
I hear.dead silence.  
  
"Mum? Are you still there?"  
  
"Michael?" My mum's voice is very serious now..  
  
"Dear, Who is the girl?"......What did she say?  
  
"I know she is not Alice. so who is she?"  
  
"What do you mean, 'who is she'?".ok how on earth did she know?  
  
"I'm your mother. I know everything about you" she says, laughing, sometime, she scars me so much.  
  
"She is no-one but just my sister!".I'm joking.  
  
I hear my mum sighs exaggeratedly.  
  
"Michael.dear, your sister is actually here with me, and I'm very happy to say she is perfectly well."  
  
I told you, I was only joking.  
  
"Michael!!!" I hear my little sister's voice from back. Yeah, she sounds very well.  
  
"What kind of trouble are you in this time? I'm not going to help you again" her voice is so loud... her voice gives me a headache..."So just grow up!". I sometimes wish I was only child.  
  
"So my dear son, who is she. she is not your little sister. and I know you don't have a big sister. and I'm assuming she is not Alice. who is this mystery lady?", My mum inquires. women. why can they leave thing alone...  
  
I'm just trying to think how to answer to this woman. my mother.  
  
"Michael? So, I'm right about this mystery lady, right?" I regret that I called her now.  
  
"Well, not exactly but yes. partly. She is someone from work and she is on the same business trip and she is not well. I was hoping. if I could do anything."  
  
Before I finish my sentence, she cuts me off.  
  
"Don't worry Michael, you don't have to explain. I know you." she says laughing.  
  
I stop walking. I literary look at my cell phone.my mother is. a quite woman.  
  
"So Michael, is there anything I can do for you?" She says warmly. I thought I explained it to her.  
  
"Yeah, I just wanted to know what I had when I was ill. I mean." and again, she cuts me off.  
  
"Oh, yeah, I remember. hum, let me think. You rarely got ill so I don't really remember. but I'm sure I made ginger-lemon tea for you."  
  
"Ginger-lemon tea?". I don't remember about this at all.  
  
"Yeah, you can make it. It's not that difficult. You just grate a piece of ginger and put honey and lemon juice in a cup. Then you put hot water and you mix them. It's really good for you. It keeps you warm. But don't forget, some people like it but some people hate it. People are different, especially when they are not well"  
  
"Do you remember what sort of food you made?" Thinking, Sydney definitely needs to eat something.  
  
"Well, I think something like, boiled rice, pasta, some vegetables. but if she has a fever it's not really easy to eat so some soup will be better. Oh, and fruits! A lot of fruits. You need something easy to eat, and with good nutrients. Don't forget when you have a fever, it's easy to become dehydrated and it weakens the whole body as well."  
  
"Thanks mum. I will try to find something you said." and she cuts me off AGAIN!.. this woman... never gives me chance to finish what I'm going to say!!!  
  
"Michael, before you go, make sure you make her feel comfortable as much as possible."  
  
"I'll try. Thanks mum. Love you, and say hello to my lovely little sister!"  
  
"Yes, I'll. Love you. Take care dear." And she hangs up.  
  
I can imagine my mum and my sister talking about me for next 3 hours. that how women are....  
  
............................................................................ ..................................... ******************Chapter 8-b************************************  
  
I think I'm in the main street now. Some of shops are already closed but some of them are still open.  
  
I find a supermarket and go in there.  
  
I walk down the isle, trying to remember what she said. I find some gingers, lemons and a bottle of honey.  
  
She said, different people like different things. especially when they are not well. I sigh. I guess I don't have choice but to ask Jack.  
  
I pick up the phone and dial Jack's number. I'm nervous. even though I didn't do anything wrong.  
  
"Bristow" I hear Jack's unfriendly voice.  
  
"Jack, it's Vaughn."  
  
"Agent Vaughn, has something happened to Sydney?" He says quickly.  
  
There are so many things I don't understand about him but lately I started to see that even though his emotions are completely locked and hidden securely, the love and the care for Sydney are peeking out a little.  
  
And that was just a moment his love and care for Syd said hello.  
  
"No, she is safe. She is in the hotel, but I think she is not well. When I went to her room, she fainted and I checked her temperature and she has definitely has a fever."  
  
"How is she?" I hear his concern. he is, after all, her father, only family.  
  
"She said she has a bad headache but fine. But I'm not sure. She didn't look well at all."  
  
"Oh, alright. So what do you want?" Now he is back to typical Jack.  
  
"Well, at the moment, I'm out of the hotel and I was wondering if I could get something for her to eat. I mean she needs to eat but, I don't think she can." I try to think a way to say this. I'm talking to Jack Bristow, not a normal person. so I have to choose words carefully.  
  
"I was hoping. you could tell me what sort of thing she would eat when she is not well." Ok I said it. I hold my breath. hoping I didn't make a huge mistakes. hoping Jack knows. otherwise, I have just insulted a senior CIA agent. a father of Sydney Bristow which means a death sentence to me.  
  
"Chicken soup" he says in a monotone.  
  
"What?".did he say something?  
  
"She would only have some chicken soup when she was ill. And some bananas and oranges. But other than that, she wouldn't eat." So, he knows something about Sydney, more than I expected.  
  
"Thanks Jack, I will get these." the minute I said these words, he hangs up. typical Jack! A normal person would say "tell my daughter to get well" or "please look after my daughter" or something!  
  
Shaking my head, I go back to the fruits area and get some bananas and oranges. Hum. considering she is grown up now, she might eat other things. so I get two apples and grapes in case she might eat these too. Jack could be wrong.  
  
So now. where do I get chicken soup? The problem with this supermarket is that I don't know where everything is! My local supermarket is much smaller than this.  
  
I walk around with the basket in my hand. I just cannot find the soup isle. I ended up clothes section... so I go back...  
  
After walking for a while; I finally manage to find the isle of soups.  
  
I find packs of chicken soup, canned chicken soup, and bottled chicken soup. They are the same chicken soups. but they are not the same? Not only that there are so many different brands, I mean they are like women's clothes! I really don't have time to stay here all night and pick one, so I choose one from each types, a pack, a bottle and a can of chicken soups and a pack of chicken noodle soup, as it might be better with noodles.  
  
I also managed to find a big mug with some sunflowers on for her as I'm sure she wants to have the tea with a mug. I only know roses, tulips and sunflower. so I picked up sunflowers one. I hope she likes it or should I buy the tulips one? No, Sunflower is better to cheer her up.  
  
Thinking of a mug; she might want to have a coup of hot chocolate too, considering she likes M&Ms. so I walk around quickly to find a small bottle of hot chocolate.  
  
Now, my basket is really full and my hand is going to split!!!  
  
Then again I remember that the first aid box doesn't contain any flu medicine so I walk around with a full of basket to find some flu medicine. But the biggest problem is. where is it? Why on earth did they have to build this big supermarket in the middle of London! I don't understand Brits!!! People don't want to take a walk in a supermarket after their work, they just want to do a small shopping!! or.. is it only me thinking that way?  
  
I walk around quickly in search of a box of flu medicine.  
  
I finally managed to find them but again, there are hundreds of them. This is just unbelievable. Why do they always make every thing so complicated! They are all same flu medicine! I cannot stay here all night to choose one. so I pick "Lemsip"...sounds nice.. and this is, you put hot water in, but she might prefer capsules so I pick "Lemsip; Capsules" as well. I didn't know there are that many kinds of flu medicine. I only know aspirins and other pain killers.  
  
I really need to get back so I go to the cash point. Now, here is another decision to make. I am going to use the CIA credit card or my own credit card? I guess, I must use my own as I don't want to be called by Barnett even though I don't think CIA accountants will notice. Surely they will not check each agent's receipts but it's just a precautious measure.  
  
I walk out the supermarket with two full plastic bags in my hands, heading back to the hotel.  
  
Then my cell phone rings. I struggle to pick it up with these bags. When I see the ID, I'm not sure if I want to answer this call or not.  
  
But I answer anyway.  
  
"Vaughn"  
  
"Hello, my dear brother! How are you?"  
  
The minute I heard "hello", I realised I made a huge mistake. I shouldn't have answered this call. Why didn't I trust my judgment?  
  
"I'm fine, thank you very much. How are you my dear little sister?" I ask nicely as much as I can even though I just want to hang up right now.  
  
"Oh, me? I'm perfectly fine even though you don't think so." That's it. I need to hang up right now!  
  
"Lorna, I'm busy and I don't have time to entertain you. Is there anything I can do for you?" I say quickly. Now I can see the hotel.  
  
"Actually it's not you helping me! I'm going to help you, AGAIN!". See I really wish I was only child.  
  
"No, Lorna..." I'm really don't have time for this. but she cuts me off.  
  
"You listen to me. I know you are helping this mystery lady. I assume she has a fever or something right?". Ok, now I withdraw that I thought. I love my sister.. Really!!  
  
"Yeah, she has a very bad fever. But now I got everything. medicine, some ginger and honey for the tea and." she cuts me off again like my mother... is it a generic thing... I wonder.  
  
"I have a friend who used to live in Austria told me there is a really quick way to lower the temperature. I'm not sure if you want to do this to this mystery lady but."  
  
"What is it?". Now I'm cutting her off. yeah, this is generic.  
  
"OK. DON'T cut me off! You need to pick a pair of old socks and put them into very cold vinegar water...then you wear them. That should bring down the fever. My friend's mum did to her and it worked and her grandmother did that too. So it must work for this mystery lady too."  
  
"..........." I just don't know what to say... so I say...  
  
"Thanks for the information." I cannot do that to Syd, even though it may work... I just cannot possibly do that!!!!  
  
"I know you are not going to do it but you could let her know. believe me, it does work. Anyway, I won't keep you long. Take care! Say hello to this mystery lady! Love you, bye!" and before I say anything, she hangs up.  
  
I just stop walking. thinking. that was interesting. but I just cannot do that to Sydney.  
  
It's against protocol!!! I don't want to be out of job because I put a pair of old socks on her!!  
  
Now I really have to go back to the hotel. I go to the back street again and get into the hotel.  
  
Heading to the kitchen, I put these bags. other agents are staring at me. this is the price I have to pay for being a handler.  
  
............................................................................ ................................ 


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter 9........................................................................... ...................  
  
Vaughn's POV  
  
I ignore other agents' stares in the kitchen, I go to see the chef.  
  
"Hi, I was wondering if I could borrow a grater and a small knife". And he looks at me. I could tell he wants to say something.but  
  
"Yes, of course". OK.now I get it. He thinks a CIA agent doesn't know how to use a greater and knife. Ha!!! I'll show you that you are completely wrong. well, may be not completely but. I'm sure it's easier than hitting a target with a gun.  
  
So he shows me where I can do my little cooking and gives me a greater and a knife.  
  
Hum. now I wash my hand, the mug and lemons. do I need wash ginger as well?  
  
It seems. making a cup of ginger-lemon tea is a bit more challenging than cooking Donovan's food. Hang on. I need to peel off this sticker which is on the mug. I don't want to give her a mug with a sticker on it. This is really annoying. but I carefully peel it off. Ha! Look at this. I'm a CIA agent and can do anything!  
  
Now I pick up a lemon and cut it half. Then I squeeze it and put the juice into the mug. Oh, No!! The seeds dropped into the mug. I need a folk to get them out! Surly she doesn't want to eat them. Oh, my dear mother. I need her. right now!  
  
I managed to pick these seeds out and now I am attacking this ginger. I need to peel off the skin with knife. but this is very small ginger. I don't want to peel of my finger skin accidentally. Should I call help for the chef or should I keep my dignity as a CIA agent?  
  
I'm looking at the ginger, then suddenly the chef appears and rescues me, saying  
  
"Do you need any help? I don't have to do any cooking right now."  
  
"Yeah, I'm just making a cup of ginger-lemon tea. I'll be grateful if you could grate this ginger and put it into this mug while I heat up these soup" and now again. he is looking at me like I'm the thickest person on the planet. Yeah, I admit, I don't know how to make chicken soup. and I bought four different chicken soups!! So what? It's for Sydney!  
  
I borrow four small source pans and heat up all of them at once. I think I'm kind of lucky because if I'm at home, there is no way I can heat up four different soups at same time.  
  
Now he finishes the ginger and I turn down the heat. Now I ask the chef to look out for these soups and I go to get the first aid box.  
  
I put every thing on the trolley, the first aid box, fruits, a small bottle of hot chocolate, the mug cup and two packs of medicine.  
  
Now I go to the room where I can listen to the conversation between the staff and customers on the phone.  
  
Then suddenly, I hear a familiar voice, a voice of my mystery lady, the lady who makes my life so unique and special.  
  
I go back to the kitchen and prepare for my departure.  
  
............................................................................ ....................................  
  
Sydney's POV.  
  
I pick up the phone to call the room service. I cannot eat anything. I just want to sleep and never wake up.  
  
"This is room service. May I help you?" The woman's voice.  
  
"Yeah, could you send someone to pick up these dishes?" if there is no CIA, I would just leave it as it is.  
  
"Of course Ms. Your room number is 407?"  
  
"Yes" that's all I can manage to say.  
  
"We will send the room service right away." And she hangs up.  
  
I want to take these pain killers but I just don't want to move at all and I don't have energy to go through my suit case. I just hope it won't get worse.  
  
As Vaughn's touch reminded me of my dad. I start thinking about my dad.  
  
How much he changed after my mother 'died'. I don't really remember how we were before my mother died but I remember my dad used to be a warm and 'real dad' to me. that kind of dad you just fall in love with.  
  
Once, my dad told me that I loved to come to the park where I rode the carousel. Actually when I got home after meeting with my dad at the park, I looked through my picture box and found a couple of pictures of me riding it. And there were pictures of me and my dad, not many but there were a few of them. I don't even remember taking these pictures.  
  
In these pictures, my dad's eyes were full of happiness, warmth and love. Especially one of them was picture of him hugging me from back.  
  
I think. he loved me at that time.  
  
Why don't I remember anything about him? I don't have memory of him. I only imagined about my mum. how wonderful she would have been if she was alive. how stupid I was.  
  
I recently realised that he has been in this business much longer than me. How has he coped? I have been in this business for only one and half years and it's killing me from inside. I can barely keep my saneness. I don't know how many times I have lost myself. how many times I was going to give up living like this.  
  
How many times I wished I hadn't been born. After all, I was created by a mistake of two screwed persons. but. probably my dad has many reasons to be like that.  
  
My dad must have been living in the hell for a long time. how has he survived?  
  
If I didn't have Vaughn, how much miserable my life would have been. has my dad had anyone to trust, like I started to trust Vaughn?  
  
I cannot think of any. if that's the truth, how has he survived this life on his own?  
  
Thinking about Vaughn. he is here. I hear the knocks on the door. I try to get up but my body is like a big stone. after all, I might have a fever.  
  
I manage to get the door and open it and his warm smile appears. I take a deep breath and smell his air. smell of his presence. which makes me smile even though I'm exhausted this much, he can make me smile. He is the only person who can do that to me.  
  
............................................................................ ........................................ 


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter 10.......................................................................... ............................  
  
Vaughn's POV  
  
I see Sydney's face. She looks as if she is going to faint in any minutes.  
  
As she lets me in, she goes back on the bed.  
  
"Vaughn, thanks for the soup but I just cannot eat it. I just want to sleep. forever." She whispers the last word.  
  
Even though I knew she is feeling down, the last word really worries me. I also noticed that her eyes are very red. she has been crying... I really wish I could take away all her pain.  
  
I hate the feeling of helplessness so much.. but I cannot do anything...  
  
"I know you are exhausted but you really need to eat something. So I brought you something you might be able to eat."  
  
I bring the trolley and take off the cover.  
  
"Vaughn. what." she is just speechless.  
  
"Well, as you are not well, I really think you need to eat something you can. So I went to the supermarket and bought these. I also called my mum and Jack, asking them for things you might be able to eat."  
  
Now she is quiet and staring at things I brought, so I continue.  
  
"Well, Jack said you can only eat chicken soup and some fruits when you are ill and my mum suggested ginger-lemon tea. But the huge problem was there were like hundreds of chicken soup in the supermarket so I had to buy several different ones."  
  
I'm worried. she is about to cry again.  
  
Did I say something wrong? But then somehow her lips form a tiny smile. The relief I felt is just indescribable.  
  
"So this is from a packet, this is canned chicken soup, this is bottled chicken soup and finally this is chicken noodle soup. If they taste the same, I'm going to sue them." I say jokingly. and my reward was a bit bigger smile on her lips.  
  
"Vaughn, you didn't have to do this." She says, still looking at these soups.  
  
"Well, I do care about you and I'm assigned as your room service, I'm just doing my job." I say honestly.  
  
"But Vaughn, this is." I know what she's going to say but I won't let her. so I cut her off.  
  
"No, Sydney. I'm doing this because I want to do it. You cannot stop me. But before you eat, just let me put a bandage on your arm."  
  
And now I pick up the first aid box.  
  
I pick up a bandage and carefully apply it on the gush. I'm relieved that it's not too bad but still, it has to be taken care of. I hate seeing her getting hurt. It's me who is sending her to those dangerous missions and sometimes, I hate what I'm doing.  
  
"Now, it's done." I pack away the first aid box.  
  
"Thank you." She says softly.  
  
"You are very welcome. I'm sorry Syd. you have to go through this. I wish I could."  
  
"No, Vaughn, it's not your fault. I know you are going to say that you are sending me to these missions but it's not your fault. It's nobody's fault. So please don't apologize. Beside, I have never had this wonderful room service before. so there are some good things in being on a mission."  
  
She is just amazing. She is the one who is not well, got hurt and had to go through all sort of horrible things and still she can make me smile. She can still care about someone. That really shows how incredible person she is.  
  
"Umm. ok. thanks. So, now, back to soups. which one would you like to have, Ms Bristow?" I say, trying to right up the mood. I hand her a spoon.  
  
"Well. can I taste all of them first?" Jack was right. she seems.she is going to eat.  
  
"Of course, if you want, I leave all of them for you." I say half jokingly and half seriously as I want her to get back her energy.  
  
"Vaughn, are you trying to make me look like a pig?" She says joking. yeah, now she is joking. I'm just relieved. because I know she is going to be ok. That's all I want her to be.  
  
"Well, I'm sure you are going to be a very sweet and cute pig and I don't mind." What? What did I just say??? No!!! I didn't say that!!! I withdraw what I said but. I cannot..it's too late. I can feel I'm blushing so much. I feel like my face caught on fire.  
  
"Vaughn!!!" now she is really laughing. Good! I did something good to her. At least, she is laughing.  
  
Now she is tasting each soup and I go pick up a glass cup and put some water in it. Then I put two packs of flu medicines.  
  
"I'm going to eat this chicken noodle soup." She picks up the dish and start eating.  
  
"Good, so they have different taste, then? Or should I sue them?" I ask her while I'm putting the kettle on.  
  
"Well, they are the same chicken soup but yeah, they taste different. So I think if you sue them, you will lose the case. So my advice is, you shouldn't sue them." Good, my Sydney is back.  
  
"OK, I put the medicine here. I wasn't sure which one you want to take. this one, you need to put hot water but this one you just take it". I put a glass of water on the bedside table.  
  
Now I'm putting the disk into her back and.  
  
"Syd, I have to go now. I have to meet with other agents but then I will be back as soon as possible. I asked other agents to scramble the security camera when I come back, so it'll be safe."  
  
I put fruits, mug and the small bottle of hot chocolate on the table.  
  
"That's ok. You don't have to come back, Vaughn. I will be fine. Have you had something to eat? I'm sure you are tired as well." how could she worry about me?  
  
"Syd, it's ok. I'll have something to eat and I'll sleep later but right now, you are more important than me." I say it honestly. I hope, just hope she can accept the fact that it's ok to accept help.  
  
"But Vaughn. I'll be fine"  
  
"Syd, please let me help you. for me? I worry about you and being here with you is much better than being on my own wondering about if you are ok. Syd, I'm probably doing this for my own selfish reason. and I'm sorry for being like this. but please Syd. Let me help you." This is me. Being with Sydney feels better than being on my own, worrying about her. I'm being selfish. but I cannot help it. sorry.Sydney. I know that she doesn't want to be helped.  
  
"Ok then. I'm not going anywhere." now, she is helping me. she is saving me from becoming insane.  
  
"Thank you. I'll see you later." and I push the trolley and leave the room.  
  
"I'm sorry Sydney. but. thank you." I whisper while I get into the elevator.  
  
............................................................................ .................... 


	11. Chapater 11

Chapter 11.......................................................................... ...........................  
  
Sydney's POV  
  
Vaughn has just left. I'm eating the chicken noodle soup Vaughn brought for me. I cannot believe he has done these things just for me. He even called my dad.  
  
I know calling my dad is not an easy thing to do at all. I'm his daughter but I don't like calling him. He intimidates me and I'm sure he does that to anyone, except Kendall and Devlin.  
  
Even so Vaughn called him, so that he would be able to get things I can eat. I don't deserve this.  
  
He is just too nice to me...Looking at the mug...I smile at myself. I guess he chose that for me. He knows so much about me. I think he knows about me more than I do myself.  
  
But what surprises me is that my dad knew things I can eat when I'm ill.  
  
So... he remembers that I could only eat chicken soup and some fruits when I'm ill. I thought he has forgotten about it completely.  
  
After all, I believe that I'm a stranger to him, just like he has been a stranger to me for a long time. Or maybe, he lives only with his memory.  
  
I wonder if he remembers that night I had really bad fever and he became my real dad again.  
  
That night he hugged me and because I carried on crying, and I wouldn't let him go, he rapped me up with a thick blanket and took me out of my bed and hold me in his arm.  
  
I felt his warmth, I smelled his air, I felt...his love. Was it love?  
  
I heard the sound of his heart beating calmly. was it the sound of love he had for me?  
  
I was too scared to look his face. I was too scared to see the face which had both, the stranger's face and my real dad's face. So I closed my eyes and focused on the sound of his heart. I really waned to believe the sound was from my real dad's heart, not stranger's.  
  
I must have fallen asleep. When I woke up, I was in my bed. My dad was still sitting in the chair beside the bed and looking at me and told me.  
  
"You really need to eat something."...Vaughn said the same thing.  
  
I was trying to see who he was; trying to see through his eyes. I wanted to know if he was still my real dad.  
  
At the same time, it didn't matter whether he was my real dad or just a stranger. He was with me when nobody was around.  
  
I was 8 years old, lost mother, no-one to trust, left alone and unloved anymore.  
  
But this man was with me through the night. This man held me. I didn't want to be left alone. I desperately needed someone's warmth, because it was so cold to be left alone.  
  
When he said that I needed to eat something, he stood up and headed to the door.  
  
I didn't want him to be gone again. Because I wasn't sure if he would come back again or if I would be left on my own forever.  
  
I think I managed to say.  
  
"Please." or something. I remember I couldn't stop tears falling down. I don't know why I said "please".  
  
But he looked back at me and he gave me a tiniest smile I had ever seen.  
  
It was a tiniest smile but to me, it was the warmest smile I had ever felt for a long time.  
  
Now, I think about it, I guess I was that desperate to be with someone, probably I just felt that way. I don't think he smiled. He has never smiled since what happened to my mother.  
  
Then he came back to my bedside, rapped me up with the thick blanket like I was a small baby and carried me to downstairs. The relief I felt was just indescribable. I was in his arms. It was very warm.  
  
He carried me to the kitchen and put me in one of the chairs. He made sure I was wrapped up well and put me in the way so that I could see him all the time.  
  
He then heated up some chicken soup. He also brought a banana and an orange; he peeled them and cut in small pieces and put them on a plate. He put the chicken soup on a soup dish.  
  
He sat next me and fed me because I was completely wrapped up I couldn't use my hands. He blew off the heat little and cooled down the soup on the spoon so that I wouldn't get my tongue burnt. He did that each time he was going to feed me.  
  
Then I shuck my head. letting him know I had enough; he picked a folk and let me eat some bananas and oranges.  
  
While he was feeding me, he didn't say a word. He just fed me slowly and carefully.  
  
If he said something, I would have been broken down completely and started crying again. I didn't want to do that. Beside, because I was on my own most of the time, I almost found quietness comfortable. I got used to him being quiet, not saying any words.  
  
When he finished feeding me, he opened one of the kitchen cupboard and take "Robitussin". He carefully poured it on a small spoon and put it in my mouth, saying "this should make you feel better".  
  
How did he know that the medicine was in that cupboard? He was always on the "business trips", he didn't really live in the house. but somehow he knew where it was. Most of all, how did he know that medicine was for me? Maybe my nanny had told him.  
  
Then he cleaned up dishes and saucepans. Afterward, again he carried me to my room and tucked me in the bed which he hadn't done since my mother's death.  
  
I could tell he was very uncomfortable doing it. I was only 8 years old but I guess, when you were little, you could sense people's feeling more than grown ups could.  
  
I realise that I managed to eat more than half of the soup, but I want to have some fruits now.  
  
I wonder why Vaughn does these things for me. He is doing more than he is supposed to do. He said he is doing for himself but I cannot believe that.  
  
Suddenly my cell phone rings. I put the soup on the bedside table and pick up my cell phone.  
  
Is it Vaughn?  
  
I check ID on the screen and am surprised to see the name, but I answer anyway.  
  
"Hello?"...why is he calling me?  
  
"Sydney, it's me." I'm confused and worried so much.  
  
"Dad, is everything ok? What's wrong? Has something happened?" He doesn't call me if there are serious problems.  
  
"No everything is fine". I sigh with relief, but then. why is he calling?  
  
"I just wanted to know. if your mission was ok." Do I hear. some kind of... hesitation?  
  
"Yeah, it was ok. Dixon managed to pull me out and I just got a cut on my arm but other than that, everything went fine. We already have a copy of the disk."  
  
"Oh, good.." I hear silence. What's going on?  
  
"Umm. I heard that you are not well from Agent Vaughn. Are you. ok?"  
  
Is he asking me if I was ok?  
  
"Yeah, I think I might have a little fever but I'll be fine". Why is he asking? Is he worried about me?  
  
"Oh. good. Get some rest. See you when you get back" he says in flat tone and hangs up before I can say anything.  
  
Did he want to know about the mission? Or did he want to know if I was ok?  
  
Was it his way of showing that he actually cared about me?  
  
He has been a stranger to me for a long time.I don't know what I'm feeling right now. After so many years of ignorance, did he show me that he cared about me?  
  
I don't want to have a hope...the hope that we might be able to build some kind of relationship.  
  
Having trust. letting my trust grow in Vaughn is hard and difficult enough for me right now, I cannot let myself hope about my relationship with my dad.  
  
But the truth is. I want to have this hope. My heart so desperately wants to hold on to this hope.  
  
I want to feel his love again. he is my dad and I'm his only daughter. Am I asking too much?  
  
I want to feel his love. but I can't. I'm too afraid to let myself have a hope because I know this hope will never come true.  
  
Why am I so screwed? The only thing I can do is cry. like I'm doing now. I'm tired of crying. I hate myself for being like this. I sigh.  
  
Then I hear knocks on the door. he has always perfect timing to make my heart warm .  
  
I wipe away tears quickly. "Come in". Vaughn is here.  
  
............................................................................ ........................ 


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter 12.......................................................................... .................  
  
Syd's POV  
  
I wipe away tears quickly. "Come in". Vaughn is here.  
  
And he opens the door a little and peeks his head in.  
  
"Hey" he says with a smile.  
  
See, he is the only one who can make me smile even though I have been crying.  
  
"Hey. Come in". He comes in. Now he is wearing causal clothes.  
  
"Are you alright?" I think he has noticed that I have been crying.  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine". Am I? I don't know...  
  
"Have you taken the medicine?" He's always worried about me, always tries to make sure I'm okay.  
  
He says looking around and finds the two boxes of medicines on the table.  
  
"No, I haven't. I just had a phone call from my dad". Now he looks at me surprised. Reading his mind... I say...  
  
"Yeah, I know. He just wanted to know if the mission was successful." I stop... I'm not sure if I want to talk about my dad right now.  
  
"Oh. was it all?" Now he asks...I cannot lie to him.  
  
"Well, not really. Then he asked me if I was ok." I say, looking away. My dad did actually ask me if I was ok, didn't he?  
  
It's just my dad has never shown that he cared about me for last 20-odd years; it's very strange to see his concern about me.  
  
Vaughn comes close to the bed and sit on the edge of the bed. looking at me. I can feel... that he is looking at my heart, reading my mind.  
  
"Yeah...I think he was a bit worried about you". He confirms what I was feeling but avoiding to believe. How could he read my mind so quickly?  
  
"Vaughn, he doesn't have a heart to worry about me or anyone else. To him, I have been a stranger for a long time. It's not possible for him to warm up his heart that quickly just because I appeared in his life again." I explain to him...almost in tears... because I know that I am not only talking about my dad. This is about me.  
  
I try everything not to have this hope. I'm not allowing myself to make the same mistake. All my hopes were destroyed... this time; I'm not going to let myself do that again. Never.  
  
But. I want to cry. I just want to cry. I'm sick of it but.  
  
Then suddenly, I feel a warm hand grabs my hand.  
  
He brings me back to the reality.  
  
I look at him.  
  
His eyes show everything... his concern, his care towards me, his trust in me and his kindness. His eyes are too beautiful and too clear. I want to run away... I want to hide from him. I don't want him to see my eyes... my heart...  
  
"Syd, I think he does care about you but he doesn't know how to show it." He says softly but I didn't want to heat these words. Even these words were from Vaughn, I didn't want to hear.  
  
"But right now, you need to take the medicine. Which one do you want to take? Capsule one or other one?" He quickly asks me. He knows me.  
  
I thank him for changing the subject and I'm so grateful for that. I don't want to think about my dad right now and he knows that. He knows that I'm not ready to face this issue.  
  
"I take the capsule one, thanks".  
  
He gets up and walks to the table, gets two capsules and a glass of water. He comes back to me and gives me these.  
  
Then he puts the kettle on and pours some hot water into the pretty mug. I really love that mug but I'm not sure what he is making.  
  
"Vaughn? What are you making?" My curiosity wins.  
  
Now he is mixing something in the mug, turning towards me. His answer is... a smile.  
  
I have noticed that his smile is very infectious... when he smiles.it makes me want to smile too. I don't know why but it just happens.  
  
"Well, I called my mum and she suggested this. I hope you like it. If you don't like it, just tell me."  
  
And he comes over and sits on the edge of the bed, gives me the sunflower mug.  
  
I smell the things in the mug. While I sip slowly, trying not to burn my tongue, he explains.  
  
"I asked my mum what I ate when I was little and ill, but I wasn't that kind of kid who got ill often, so she couldn't remember. But she remembered that she made this tea, ginger-lemon tea for me and for my little sister when we were not well. It has got gingers, lemon juice and some honey. It keeps you warm and other good stuff she told me but I cannot remember."  
  
This is actually nice. I was feeling chill but this is warming me from inside.  
  
"This is very nice. I like it. May be I should make it when I get home". He seemed to be relieved that I like this tea.  
  
The image of little Vaughn wrapped up and drinking this tea makes me...  
  
"What are you smiling at?" Vaughn suddenly asks. his eyes are also mischievously smiling at me.  
  
I have never seen this type of Vaughn.  
  
"Well, I was just trying to imagine you as a little boy, wrapped up and drinking this tea. You must have been a really cute little boy and your sweet little sister as well.". I feel my whole body is suddenly really warm.  
  
"Me? A little cute boy? And my sweet little sister? If you say that to my mum, she will definitely suffocate with laughter." He shakes his head, laughing. yeah. I'm hearing Vaughn's laughter.  
  
I have never had a chance to hear his laugher before. He's been worried about me so much. I have never given him chance to laugh. I suddenly feel really guilty for making his life miserable. but I try not to show that feeling of this guilt. this is the moment he can laugh.  
  
I want him to laugh when he can...so I smile while Vaughn carries on talking.  
  
"I have no idea where you have got the image of me as a cute little boy and my sister as a sweet little girl but you are completely wrong." Now he is really laughing, well more like. giggling.  
  
"You don't want to know what sort of child I was. But right now, I'm not going to tell you anything about my childhood because I want you to keep the image of me as a cute little boy. I don't want to destroy that image."  
  
Now, I really want to know what sort of child he was. I really do!  
  
"Vaughn, I really want to know. I didn't even know you have a little sister." I tell him while I'm sipping this warm tea which is definitely making me feel warm.  
  
I just don't know anything about him. I only know some parts of him; worried, concerned and tired. I didn't know his laughter. I didn't know his eyes can be mischievous.  
  
The feeling of guilt starts wining over my effort of hiding it.  
  
The feeling of guilt that because I am in his life now. he constantly has to worry about me. protect me. I try really hard to push away this feeling of guilt.  
  
This is not the time for me feeling guilty and feeling sorry for myself. This is the time and chance to know about different side of Vaughn. I try to image what Vaughn's sister looks like.  
  
"Yeah, I have a little sister but sometimes I really wish I was only child, other times, she can understand me more than my mum can. But we used to argue and fight a lot when we were little."  
  
Okay, a little Vaughn, fighting with his little sister. the image makes me grin.  
  
"Oh, so you made her cry a lot?" I confirm his statement. I'm sure he did.  
  
"No! I did not say that! And for the record, I did not make her cry but I was such a kind, gentle and a protective brother. Haven't you seen my CIA personal record? My CIA records state that I have never made my little sister cry and that was the main reason I was recruited by CIA. Didn't you know that?" He says in a very serious tone and sombre expression.  
  
I burst into laugh. I didn't know Vaughn is this kind of person. who can just make someone laugh easily. To be honest, I haven't seen his personal record. May be I should check when I get back to L.A.  
  
"Well, but you said you fought with her a lot. considering you are the older brother and male, and your sister is younger than you, my instinct tells me that you did make her cry a lot as you said you fought with her often. Am I right, Agent Vaughn?" Now I could imagine, little Vaughn making his little sister cry and then being told off by his mother.  
  
"Ok, you have to stop whatever you are thinking right now. Honestly, I didn't make her cry that often. Check my CIA personal record! Or you can call my sister. oh, no, may be that's a really bad idea".  
  
I have never seen him ramble and his rambling is just so sweet and funny. I wish I could record this conversation on a tape so that when I feel down, I could listen to it. I'm sure it will cheer me up.  
  
"But, for now, you need to get some rest." Now he is back to worried- Vaughn, and why does he say thing my dad said? But right now, I don't have energy to think or argue.  
  
"You really need to get sleep, you know. You have to go back to LA tomorrow and if you are not well, it's going to be a really tough flight for you. So, now you are going to get some sleep. No argument."  
  
So I get up and go to the bath room, get ready for bed while Vaughn is cleaning up the room.  
  
I feel like my whole body is a big stone. Thanks to the capsules, my headache is getting better. I go back into the bed.  
  
Vaughn is in the bath room and now he comes out with a small wet cloth in his hand. He put it on my forehead. It feels really cool and nice for my pounding head.  
  
"Sweet dreams. I'll be here when you need me, OK?" What? Is he going to stay here all night?  
  
"Vaughn? Where are you going to sleep?"  
  
"Don't worry about me. I can sleep on that sofa."  
  
"But, Vaughn!"  
  
"Syd, get some sleep, don't worry about me. Beside, it's not unusual for me to sleep on the sofa. I often fall asleep on the sofa when I'm home. Now, shut your eyes and get some sleep! Or do I have to sing a song for you?" He teases me. and I smile.  
  
How long it has been since the last time I smiled in the bed. A long, long time. and here I am, smiling to get some sleep, feeling safe, warm and grateful. I close my eyes.  
  
"Thank you so much Vaughn. good night." I say with whole my heart.  
  
"Good night Sydney." His soft voice leads me to the sweet dream I haven't had for a long time.  
  
............................................................................ ..................... 


	13. Chapter 13

Here is Chapter 13.......................................................................... .  
  
Vaughn's POV  
  
I'm relieved that Sydney didn't argue with me this time. On the other hand, that's worrying.  
  
May be she is really ill or she doesn't have energy to argue with me. I hope she can get enough sleep tonight so that flying back to LA is not going to be too tough for her.  
  
Now she is asleep. I take off her wet cloth from her forehead and go to the bath room to cool it down again.  
  
I look at myself on the mirror. I do look exhausted and definitely feel exhausted.  
  
"What am I doing here?" I think to myself.  
  
Since Sydney walked into my life, it's been just crazy. I have never had chance to take a break... but it's not fair for me to take a break. She hasn't had a break... and I'm her handler, how could I take a break when she is working. I just cannot do that.  
  
But sometimes, I feel really exhausted... I feel...really tired. Especially tonight...not sure why.  
  
I shake my head, trying to clear my thought. I wash my face with cold water...  
  
I go back into the room and sit on the chair next to the bed. I'm so comforted to see her peaceful sleep. I have never seen her as peaceful as this. I hope she is having a sweet dream.  
  
I put my hand on her forehead, checking her temperature. It's still too warm so I put the cold cloth carefully on her forehead again.  
  
I look at her for a while... thinking how hard it must be for her to live like this. I thought my life was tough and hard. but her life is just incomparable.  
  
I get up and go to the balcony to get fresh air. I close the balcony door quietly, and take a deep breathe. It's quite cold tonight but it is a clear night, unusual for London.  
  
I cannot believe I talked about my childhood and about my little sister with Sydney. It's the subject I have been trying to avoid.  
  
Yes, I had a very good childhood... until my dad was gone.  
  
I still have some memories of him but because the life after his death was incredibly hard for us, the memory is more about our survival without him than his memory. It is sad that although I have memories, they are not a lot...  
  
But my sister was too young. She was only 6 years old so she is like Sydney. she has her own images of my dad, instead of memories. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing.  
  
My dad was certainly good person, but I would say he was an average farther. He was always very busy, had a little time with us.  
  
I guess because he had little time with us, that time with him was so special to us and these occasions become special memories and still remain in my heart... never forgetting these memories.  
  
I smile at myself, remembering about one of these special times.  
  
I think, I was 7 years old, almost 8. I couldn't sleep at all even thought it was really late night. I sneaked out of my room and headed for my dad's study room.  
  
I don't know why but it always fascinated me. It wasn't a big room but for 7 years old, the room was certainly big enough. There was a big chair, a big dark brown desk, massive book-shelves and some boxes on the floor. I was often told off by my mum when I had secretly got into his room and sat on his chair.  
  
But that night, I sneaked into his study room again, and sat on his massive black leather chair. Enjoying the feeling of it, I pretended that I was my dad. I picked up a small piece of paper and a pen, started to draw a picture.  
  
It felt so good to be in the chair, drawing something on the paper, just like my dad used to do so many times.  
  
I thought my parents were sleeping. then suddenly my dad appeared at the door. My heart was just pounding so fast; I could hear my own heart beat. I couldn't make any excuse. I totally expected him to shout at me and get me out of his room but he just stood there and smiled at me.  
  
He came in, picked me up and he sat on the chair, putting me on his lap. He asked me what I was doing, I explained that I couldn't sleep and I loved his study room.  
  
Then we just talked. I told him about the school, my sister. about my mum, well basically women. he just laughed and explained things that women were moody and men had to do all hard work for them to keep them happy. We laughed together.  
  
We also talked about my future, what I wanted to be and how much he was looking forward to seeing me on my graduation day or other special occasions.  
  
Then we promised to have this secret meeting again. He hugged me and took me to my bed.  
  
It was one of the best memories I have of him. He was so gentle, soft but still strong and firm. I never forget the feeling of his hug, big strong hug you could get only from your dad. With his hug, I could feel and sense his love towards me.  
  
4 months later, he was gone, never came back.  
  
After his death, I sometime woke up in middle of the night, couldn't sleep. So I went to his study room, still hoping that he might come back if I waited, because he had never broken any promises.  
  
He never appeared on the door again.  
  
When Syd asked about my childhood, for a second I wasn't sure what I was going to say. I know I had a better childhood than hers, it wasn't certainly easy but there was no way I was going to tell her that. She has been torturing herself enough.  
  
Not only that, telling her about my childhood could complicate my feelings towards her. I don't usually think about her mother when I'm with her but talking about my childhood would certainly bring up her mother's issue and I don't want to think about it. think that her mother is the killer of my father.  
  
Things I told her were truth. My sister sometimes can understand me more than my mum. She is my best friend as we have been through so much together. I helped her and she helped me, simple as that.  
  
For all those years, I have noticed that loosing your partner, soul-mate is different from loosing your parent. But probably, in the end... we had the same ground... losing someone you loved, adored, admired, and depended on.  
  
The difference between me and Sydney is that after my dad's death, we survived together, with my mum and my sister, but Sydney was left on her own to cope with all horrendous and horrific feelings you go through after loved one's death.  
  
I look at Sydney who is sleeping peacefully. How many nights she can get peaceful sleep... my guess is...very few nights.  
  
She cries, gets upset but she still smiles and laughs... she just shows how incredible human beings can be.  
  
I take another deep breath...closing my eyes and feel the cool air of night.  
  
I wish I could take away all her pains, sorrows, nightmares and worries. I wish with all my heart that she doesn't have to suffer anymore... doesn't have to feel anymore pain in her heart. She has been through enough, why can't she have a happy life?  
  
I just feel... hopeless...useless and I hate it.  
  
I sigh. looking at her pure innocence in her sleep... I wish her a sweet dream tonight.  
  
I get into the room and prepare to get some sleep.  
  
I hope no-one is going to report about my 'total breach of the protocol action'. If someone did... is Jack going to back me up? I have no idea...  
  
I go back to Sydney's bedside, take off the cloth and cool it down again with running water. I really hope her fever is going down tonight... otherwise the flight is going to eat her energy up.  
  
I go back to her, checking her temperature. I'm relieved a little as it feels like her temperature is going down a little. Maybe the capsules are working.  
  
I carefully put the wet cloth on her forehead again.  
  
"Good night Syd, I wish you many sweet dreams" I whisper to her.  
  
I get on the sofa and close my eyes, hoping tomorrow will be a better day for her, wishing tomorrow, she can smile more than today.  
  
............................................................................ ................................. 


	14. Chapter 14

Chapter 14..........  
  
Vaughn's POV  
  
I suddenly woke up. I thought I heard someone's crying.  
  
But it's quiet here. was it a dream?  
  
I sit up and look at my watch. I have slept about 5 hours.  
  
Suddenly, I realize that the voice I heard crying wasn't a dream.  
  
I quickly get up and walk to the bedside, with my heart pounding; a wave of worrying feeling washes my whole body.  
  
Sydney's hands are clutching the sheet and the pillow tightly and crying softly. her tears falling down from her closed eyes.  
  
How much do I hate to see these tears falling down. each tear drop stabs my heart.  
  
"Sydney." It just came out of my mouth. why can't I make her happy?  
  
"I'm so sorry daddy. I'm so sorry." she mumbles. crying. I have never heard of this painful voice, a voice of desperation, a voice of. agony. I have never felt this much of agony in my heart for a long time. I could feel this voice is crushing me.  
  
"Sydney. wake up. Sydney." I put my hand on her warm hand.  
  
Why can't she have one peaceful night? Just one night.  
  
I get angry. but don't know, to where I could throw this anger.  
  
"Sydney..." I put my other hand on her forehead. and another giant wave of fear washes me. her fever is back. I need to wake her up.  
  
"Sydney. wake up." I gently shake her shoulder, hoping I can pull her out of her nightmare.  
  
She slowly opens her teary eyes slowly, staring at her hand covered with my hand for a minute.  
  
Then she slowly looks at me. her blank expression. I have never seen this expression from anyone. it's like. she's gone..  
  
"Sydney?" I ask quietly, wanting to know if she is really here with me.  
  
She looks away. She pulls her hand away from my hand.  
  
It's obvious she is rejecting me. How much do I want to give her a hug. how much do I want to make her comfortable.  
  
But if I do now. she will go down deeper into her darkness. so I decided to wait. She is not ready to come out from the box.  
  
I croutch down on my knees and put my both arms on the bed resting my face on them so that I can have the same eye-level.  
  
She is still staring at the sheet. She has a fever and I can tell she is exhausted but I have to wait.one of the most difficult things.  
  
Then, she looks at me with the same blank expression on her face. One small step she takes.  
  
Look into the other's eyes, many frustrations  
  
Read between the lines, no words just vibrations  
  
Don't ignore hidden desires  
  
Pay attention, you're playing with fire  
  
"You need to take the medicine again. Your fever is back. Can you take it?" I ask her as gently as I can. My reward is a small nod. Another small step forward she has taken.  
  
I get up and pour water into the glass. I take two capsules and go back to Sydney.  
  
Sydney tries to prop herself up a little and I put other pillows on her back so she can lean against them. She looks at me again. her way of saying a small "thanks". I give her a little smile, telling her that she is welcome.  
  
She takes the capsules and drinks a little water. She gives me back the glass of water. I take it and put it back on the bedside table.  
  
I croutch down on my knees again.so that now I'm looking up to her. Her hands are tightly grasping the sheet. and she is staring at her hands. I wait for a while.  
  
I wonder if I should ask another question. I trust my judgement so I ask her again.  
  
"Syd? Do you want to have a cup of hot chocolate?" with smile, hoping she will nod her head. I just want her to nod. that's all.  
  
She looks at me, her expression. is. a bit surprised? Then.  
  
"Yes." I hear her soft whisper . and I say "thank you, thank you, thank you" to her in my mind.  
  
I didn't expect her to answer. I just smile. when I'm with her. I smile a lot.  
  
"I'll make a cup of hot chocolate for you right away."  
  
I get up and put the kettle on. I put the chocolate powder on the mug and pour hot water, mixing it. just hoping I can make her feel a little better.  
  
I give her the mug and she takes it, looking at me.  
  
I hear a whisper of "thanks" which certainly makes me smile again. See. she is amazing.  
  
"You are very welcome." I now sit on the bed, looking at her.  
  
She takes a sip slowly. She looks down on the mug and keeps herself in her own world.  
  
But that's ok. She still let the window open for me even though I'm not allowed to get into her world, the window is still open. She didn't shut the window, so I keep quiet and wait.  
  
Silence must be heard  
  
Noise should be observed  
  
The time has come to learn, that silence ...  
  
... silence must be heard  
  
Or diamonds will burn, friendly cards will turn  
  
Cause silence has the right to be heard  
  
She needs time. That's all.  
  
Do you know how much it is important to stop and have a moment to be quiet, while everything else is moving so fast around you?  
  
Since I became Sydney's handler, I learned to stop and take a moment to look into myself for a moment. otherwise. I'd have lost myself completely.  
  
It's not easy. because when I look at myself, I see how hopeless and useless I am to Sydney but then the moment usually gives me one or two way to be a better handler because. I see where I'm wrong.  
  
One moment. that all matters and that moment. you can see who you really are.  
  
I think Sydney is feeling that moment. so I wait, looking at her even though she doesn't look at me. She needs to look at herself first.  
  
People talk too much for what they have to say  
  
Words without a meaning, just fading away  
  
Silence must be heard  
  
Noise should be observed  
  
The time has come to learn, that silence ...  
  
... silence must be heard  
  
Or diamonds will burn, friendly cards will turn  
  
Cause silence has the right to be heard  
  
I'm just so glad that at least she drinks the cup of hot chocolate I made.  
  
Suddenly, she looks at me. this time. with full of emotions in her eyes.  
  
"I loved him so much." She says quietly. tears forming in her eyes. "but I wasn't good enough to be loved by him." She looks away. Her tears fall down.  
  
"I tried everything. I tried my best but I wasn't good enough to keep his love for me." Her heart is crying.  
  
"I wasn't good enough to make him feel my love towards him." She holds the mug with both hands tightly. "I couldn't make him happy again." Another tear falls down on her cheek.  
  
I feel a big lump in my throat. Because I can feel her pain in my own heart. 


	15. Chapter 15

Chapter 15 (?).................  
  
I feel a big lump in my throat. Because I can feel her pain in my own heart.  
  
That's exactly how I felt when I couldn't help my mum. I thought. I wasn't good enough to receive love from my mum.  
  
I felt that way, simply because. I couldn't make her happy again.  
  
That night of our first and last secret meeting, I asked him if I could be like him. a great man who could make everyone happy. smile. and he said I would be like him or I would be greater than him.  
  
But that wasn't true. I couldn't make my mum truly happy again. I felt. I let my dad down completely.because I realised that I couldn't be like my dad.  
  
"I kept believing that he didn't love me anymore. He didn't care about me because I wasn't . couldn't be what he wanted me to be. So I tried everything. I tried to be a good girl, I tried to get good grades for my school. I left him notes before he went on to the business trips. I did everything I could think of.".  
  
What worries me is that she explains these dark, sticky, uncomfortable, painful emotions calmly . but her tears won't stop falling down.  
  
Do I want to know these details? Do I want to remember things I went to through?  
  
I make myself to think, this is about Sydney, not me but. her words are forming images in my head. and they are too realistic to me because I went through the same feeling of guilt, lost and agony.  
  
But I had my sister who was always there with me. who relined on me. A little sister who kept following me and played with me. A little sister who made me feel that I wasn't useless, I could do something for someone. She needed me and I needed her.  
  
Through my sister, eventually I learned that my mum did love me even though I could make her happy again. She just had different type of love for my dad.  
  
With love.. you need to be shown, demonstrated and taught by the person you love. sometimes... words are not enough. You need to feel it. Not once but many times. constantly and forever.  
  
The amount of love and different kinds of love you receive make you different from the person next to you.  
  
But Sydney didn't have any of these. I can only imagine what it was like for her.  
  
I sometimes wonder losing some you love is worse than not loving someone at all. My question is.is experiencing being loved, then lose the love worse than not being loved at all. Or does the experience of being loved help you in someway in the future or does it only torture you? If so, it's better not to experience the love at all.  
  
"Eventually, I started to hate him for abandoning me, for not loving me. I was constantly angry with him. But in my heart, deep down there, I was always hoping that my real dad would come back. For 20 odd years, the tiny wish was there even though I sometimes forgot about its existence." She sighs. Take a moment to gather her emotions and feelings.  
  
Then she looks at me. Her eyes show me all of her feelings, more than words can describe.  
  
She shows me her heart. The broken, bruised and tortured heart. but it is still shining, it is still alive. still warm and beautiful.  
  
"What do you do when your tiny desire of 20 odd years which you hided so well started to scream at you?" She suddenly asks, looking her own hands. It is more like. asking herself than asking me.  
  
"And the worst thing is. you know that the desire will never be fulfilled. What do you do?" She closes her eyes, trying to repress her emotions. emotions of anger, hatred, hope and love.  
  
She shifts her gaze back to me. Does she expect me to answer this question?  
  
I wait, gazing back to her. I hope she can see me through my eyes that I'm here to listen. I'm here so that she can find her own answer. she can find out a little bit about herself.  
  
I'm glad to see her continue.  
  
"I don't know what to do with my feelings." She looks at the sunflower on the mug and touches it with her fingers, as if she is trying to feel her own heart.  
  
"I'm trying my best to avoid this hope. The hope that he might care about me. he might be worried about me. he might actually think about me." I wait for other words to come out from her.but it seems. she is afraid of saying these words.  
  
"He might still love me a little." Now she has said it. I say well done to her in my heart. it wasn't certainly easy for her to actually say these words. She takes a deep breath.  
  
"I cannot forgive him for what he has done to me. I just cannot do that." She shakes her head, as if she is trying to get rid of the thought of forgiving him.  
  
"When I think about him, my feeling is filled with anger and hatred towards him, but the strangest thing is.when I think about his life, being betrayed by his own wife, being in this business, I started to understand why he has become like what he is now. The strangest thing is. I started feel."  
  
She takes a moment. as if she is trying to find right words.  
  
"I started to feel. I want to love him again even though I have been trying my best to avoid this feeling." I could tell she is trying to hold back her tears.  
  
Why this is happening to her? Why?  
  
Loving someone is supposed to be a happy thing. It is supposed to make your heart warm and light. Love makes someone rejoice and laugh. But for her, it has become burden and it is crushing her heart. This is just. so wrong.  
  
"But I am so scared that.it's only me... it's my mind which is playing to make me believe that he cares about me. It's in my imagination. It's just my heart which desires to receive his love so much, so my heart tricks me. trying to make me believe that I still have a small place in his heart."  
  
Should I tell her that her dad does care about her? Is it time to let her know? Or is she going to close her window if I say that? Am I going to crush her heart into millions of pieces if I say that?  
  
Even if I say that, she is not going to believe it, is she? If she is not ready to accept it, what's the point of telling her things which she might not want to hear from me.  
  
The only answer. just wait and listen to what she needs to say; listen to her carefully so that I don't miss a thing about her, about what her heart is telling me.  
  
"What am I supposed to think? How am I supposed to react to his words? I don't understand him. I don't know what he is thinking. I lost my ability to read his heart when he lost me!" She tells to herself angrily.  
  
"Why was he asking me if I was ok? Why did he ask me if my mission was successful or not? He is not supposed to worry about me!" She is frustrated.  
  
She stops talking as if she is looking her own heart, feeling her true emotions.  
  
Her emotions, especially anger, loneliness and hatred are usually well controlled by herself. She can control herself most of the times. But I guess when it comes to trusting someone or feeling of being loved by someone, she just doesn't know how to feel it, or accept it.  
  
I believe this is the only way she has survived so far. rejecting the feeling of trust and love.  
  
Now Jack showed his care and love for her and Syd cannot accept it. She is too scared to feel it but her heart has already felt it and wants it more. That's why she cannot control her emotions.  
  
She has hidden her feeling for Jack for more than 20 years. You cannot hide your true feelings for that long, but she did.  
  
Now she is looking at herself, realised her desire to be loved and to be accepted by her own father is more than she can control. Worst of all, she is afraid of the feeling of loving someone and being loved by someone.  
  
The interesting thing is, this is happening to Jack as well. His care and love for Sydney are always hidden securely but not completely. He is afraid of showing his love to Sydney or he has forgotten how to show his love for Sydney.  
  
I have never seen a family as broken as this..  
  
This was caused by just one woman who destroyed my family as well. It is unbelievable how one person can destroy and crush so many people's heart and their lives. She took away Syd's life, Jack's life, my families' life and other agents.  
  
I feel so much anger, disgust and hatred towards this woman. but I know this is not that time to think about this woman. I try so hard not to think about this woman right now. This is about Sydney. and I hear her voice again, pulling myself out from my thoughts. 


End file.
